Tuesday, December 16, 2008

The Filter

Sometimes my inner filter that distinguishes between big problems and small problems malfunctions and everything comes at me at the same strength regardless of its significance. It stokes my inner paranoia about everything from health to livelihood. I don't know what precedes this shut-down to determine if I might be able to control it. Why is it that one day I feel like an accomplished professional, worthy of respect and capable of handling any relevant responsibility? The next I feel the opposite, with equal conviction; that I'm ineffective, that my talent is a charade. The mistakes (or actions that are viewed by a superior as mistakes) stack up as evidence against me. Then when I look at root causes of some of the mistakes, I see that others bear some of the responsibility for the outcome. Even the accuser. Then I think that in viewing it this way, I'm just trying to shirk accountability; point fingers, and that feels weak and immature. So I think, how could the problem be avoided in the future? Sometimes it's an easy answer. And sometimes it's the result of a philosophical divide or a mixed message, and so the solution becomes resilience or perspective. But that requires the filter. And it's not working today.
Cartoons can be clicked if your eyes are straining.

4 comments:

jaz said...

I try to remind myself that no matter how badly I screw up, chances are no one has died because of my actions.

It's a pretty easy standard to meet.

Honestly, I think if we *didn't* feel like crappy frauds sometimes, we'd be insufferable and no one would like us.

Kelsey said...

Whenever I slip into my woebegone decrapitude, it's because I've been comparing myself to all the successful types that surround me which is everyone.

Not doing that helps a lot. But not doing that is hard a lot.

You are usually one of the successful types I compare myself to, if that's any help.

Anonymous said...

why believe "those thoughts of decrapitude" at all...we are essentially good beings just doing the best we can to be happy and do the right thing, even if we fail to do so much of the time...those diminishing thoughts...just bad habits of mind.................. change your mind and lots of other things will change for the better as a result.
Love,

~PR Blake said...

Your filter most likely just needs to be changed. The problem is that there are some many to choose from at all different price levels. The cheaper ones, like napping and watching more TV, work ok for a little while but eventually they stop filtering or even make the problem worse. Move up a few price points and you get into features such as proper diet and excercise. They last longer, filter out smaller microns of pollutants but can be trickier to install but usually worth the price. Some of the high-end models have Religion, meditation and yoga features but practically take an engineer to install.

The key here, as with any maintenance, is to ensure that the entire system is looked at yearly. Sometimes poor filtering is the result of other problems but usually just a factor of the age of the system. With older models I like to err on the side of caution and rule out any underlying causes. Fortunatly the pharmaceutical companies have added many design enhnacements to internal filters and there may be one that suits your needs but you will need to consult with an MD first.

Oftentimes a support group or professional organization can really add some insight to how to handle these type of things. After a quick internet search I managed to locate a group in your area. They go by the name "EVERYBODY" and they meet Friday nights at the bar down the street.