Tuesday, August 18, 2009

From a Rooftop in Northampton

It looks almost like a city from up here.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Crime Wave! Amherst Police Blotter (with comment)

This post is technically a re-run, for long-time readers.



* 12:40 a.m. - A homeless man with with an open container of vodka on Kellogg Avenue was advised to dump out the beverage. "Can I dump it out down my throat?"

* 6:06 p.m. - Police provided advice to staff at a mental health home in Amherst where a client had thrown dishes around a room. "Wear hard hats."

* 10:40 p.m. - Three college-age men who yelled obscenities at police officers outside a Main Street restaurant were advised to calm down. "But not in those words."

* 1:12 a.m. - A vehicle backed into a second vehicle at the corner of East Pleasant and Triangle streets, causing minor damage and no personal injuries, police said. The driver told police the accident happened after he backed the vehicle up to avoid a pedestrian who had approached the vehicle with the intent to fight with the people inside. "Amherst pedestrians take their right of way quite seriously."



10:47 p.m. - Police called for tows of three vehicles parked illegally on Hobart Lane. "It's an isolated incident. They won't tow us again."

* 11:56 p.m. - A woman was heard screaming in the area of Railroad Street. Police found party-goers loitering on the street, but all denied hearing any screaming. "They did eventually acknowledge some yelling."


* 12:24 p.m. - Police are investigating incidents in which an Amherst woman has repeatedly received calls and answering machine messages from a man asking her to meet for breakfast or lunch "G-Rated Obscene Phone Calls- You want to go to breakfast? I know you do. You like breakfast don't you?"

* 7:19 p.m. - A decapitated rabbit was left on the front porch of a Winston Court home. Police said it was unclear if the rabbit had been left there by a person or a wild animal. "Or perhaps Glenn Close."

* 9:08 p.m. - Police spoke to a South East Street girl on behalf of her parents on the laws surrounding the use of pepper spray. "It's not for use on teachers, parents, and boyfriends."


* 12:40 a.m. - A man called from his West Street home seeking assistance in dealing with two people who entered his home and began bothering him. Police determined there were no intruders in the home and that the people the man had seen were on his television screen. "Officers Reed and Malloy of the crime drama Adam-12 were on-screen when the police arrived. The man looked up at the Amherst officers when they arrived and said, NOW I'm REALLY getting annoyed."

* 1:56 a.m. - Police sent a man on his way who was banging on windows at Pi Kappa Alpha on North Pleasant Street. "No more Tappa Tappa Tappa, buddy."


* 2:08 p.m. and 2:12 p.m. - Two unlocked vehicles parked on Memorial Drive were reported entered. Sunglasses were stolen from one vehicle, while an iPod was missing from the other vehicle. "Officers noted a whistling man in shades and an iPod walking up Memorial Drive shortly thereafter but their shift was almost done and they said, "Did you see anything? Nope. Did you? I didn't see shit."

* 10:53 p.m. - A window on the front porch to a Fearing Street home was smashed out, but no entry appeared to have been gained to the residence. "Robbers remorse."

* 12:33 a.m. - Four vehicles parked illegally on Hobart Lane were towed. "God dammit! Well, they wouldn't dare tow us a third time."

* 7:41 p.m. - Police stopped a vehicle on Main Street in which debris was being thrown out the sunroof. A small amount of marijuana and an open bottle of gin were seized from the people inside the vehicle. "These were also thrown out of the sunroof but the car was no longer in motion so they were easily seized."

* 12:37 p.m. - A missing 14-year-old Amherst girl was located safely at The Boulders. The girl earlier in February had been missing and was found in Lowell. "Officers requested that the girl keep it somewhat local if she is to go missing again. "We aren't driving to Hingham to retrieve your ass."

* 3:26 p.m. - A sick skunk on South Sunset Avenue was destroyed by police.


* 1:42 a.m. and 7:21 p.m. - Police issued verbal warnings to Puffton Village and Brandywine Apartments residents playing loud music. "Less cowbell."



* 11:39 p.m. - Police took a report of a door slamming and a person screaming in the area of Main Street. "It was later determined to be an Edward Gorey cartoon."


* 1:10 a.m. - A woman reported that a bouncer at a downtown bar used racial epithets toward her. Police determined the woman was intoxicated and had been belligerent toward staff at the bar after being told she had to leave because it was closing time. "She failed a sobriety test, unable to pronounce "epithet."

* 2:10 a.m. - Police responded to the corner of North Pleasant Street and Massachusetts Avenue where a heavily intoxicated woman was on the ground. Her friends told police they would get her back to her dorm room. "...within a few days."

* 2:23 a.m. and 3:18 a.m. - Police called for the tows of vehicles parked on Hobart Lane. "Son of a BITCH!"

* 7:42 p.m. - Police were unable to locate a man crawling in the middle of Main Street. "They did however replace on open man-hole cover."

* 10:44 p.m. - A person who set off fireworks in a Sacco Drive driveway was not located by police. "But inexplicable bone fragments and tattered clothing were collected."


* 4:56 p.m. - A man came into the police station demanding that a boot be removed from his vehicle that had been placed on it for unpaid parking tickets. Police advised the man to settle his bill and the boot would be removed. Instead, the man said he wanted to file a vandalism complaint against parking enforcement officials. "There was a moment of silence and then uncontolled laughter. The scene froze and the credits rolled."

* 6:37 p.m. - Police spoke to a man at the police station who reported ongoing disputes with another man over a former girlfriend. "They advised him that "former" was the operative term, and to get on with his life."

* 1:31 a.m. - A vehicle parked on the sidewalk on South Prospect Street was issued a ticket.


* 12:58 p.m. - A 13-year-old girl throwing a temper tantrum at an Amherst home had calmed down when police got there. "I want an Oompa Loompa NOWWWWWW!"

* 3:41 p.m. - A Mill Hollow Apartments resident told police his neighbor punched him a week earlier. Police are looking into the incident. "To do: Pay bills, dry cleaning, call police about punch."

* 6:38 p.m. - An intoxicated man was removed from a bathroom in a downtown restaurant and brought to his brother's South Amherst residence. Two days later at 9:35 p.m., the same man was found on the floor of another downtown restaurant and was sent on his way. "The mayor's vacation ends next week."

* 5:43 a.m. - A man screaming on Sunset Court was located with his hands duct-taped together and chocolate syrup poured over him. Police determined the man was a victim of a prank by his friends. "The police topped him with Cool Whip, put a cherry on his head, and left."

* 7:52 a.m. - An employee causing problems at the Center for Extended Care was removed before police got there. "Their care does not extend indefinitely."


* 9:33 a.m. - The rear door to an Allen Street home was forced open, but it was unclear if anything is missing since the homeowners are vacationing in Arizona. "Had they been in Delaware, more could have been determined."

* 12:55 p.m. - Police were unable to locate a possum running in circles on North Whitney Street. "There were however several running zig-zag patterns that were advised to be on there way."


* 12:03 a.m. - A vehicle went off West Street over an embankment after the driver, who was talking on his cell phone, told police he thought he could navigate the vehicle through a snowbank, police said. The vehicle had to be towed after the driver and a passerby tried to pull the vehicle out using nylon straps, police said. "Now let me get this straight..."

* 6:54 p.m. - An Agawam woman told police that her former boyfriend, who lives in Amherst, had posted nude photos of her on his MySpace page. Police determined no crime had been committed because the woman had willingly given the pictures to the man. "They requested the web address just to be sure."


* 12:41 a.m. - People on Fearing Street arguing over a jacket were calmed down. "But then they got into it over the snow pants and police had to intervene."

* 1:31 a.m. - Sisters arguing over the care of a drunken roommate at The Griggs apartments on Amity Street were advised of their options. "A. Don't call us again. B. Don't call us again."

4:52 p.m. - A man who tried to steal condoms and juice from Big Y Supermarket was identified and issued a trespass order. "A juice-balloon attack thwarted!"

11:34 p.m. - A verbal warning was issued by police to North Pleasant Street residents playing loud music and running up stairs. Two hours later police returned to the same home to issue a second warning about stomping on the floor. "...and just to save us any more trips, this also means no hopping, pogo-sticking, dragging furniture around, bouncing balls, skateboarding, kick-boxing, ballet, bikram yoga..."

11:14 a.m. - A vehicle spun out on the Route 116 bypass, but police determined the accident had occurred in Hadley and referred the matter to their department. "Well, it started in Amherst and ended up in Hadley."

7:34 p.m. - A Canterbury Lane resident told police someone shot six red paintballs at the home from a vehicle that just passed by. The incident may be part of an ongoing dispute between two people over a girl. Police are investigating. The following day at 11:04 a.m. and 11:43 a.m., Summerfield Road and White Pine Road residents reported their homes were also struck with paintballs. "What kind of girl's heart can be won with a paintball victory?"

2:38 a.m. - Two men involved in an ongoing altercation were reported at the Hess gas station. One working there allegedly rang up the other man's order slowly and the customer, in retaliation, flicked a piece of paper at the other man. "When police arrived, they witnessed the customer blow a straw wrapper at the cashier who had given him his change in pennies and was slowly inserting items one by one into a bag and then rearranging them over and over again. The officers drew rubber bands and threatened to use them if the men continued their altercation."

1:13 a.m. - Police issued a verbal warning to Carriage Lane residents where a live band was playing. "No more Styx or Journey!"

1:22 p.m. - The back door was found open at a Whippletree Lane home. The door appeared to have been blown open by wind, as all stereo and electronic equipment was still inside. "The wind did, however, make off with the silverware and some jewelry as well as some Bob Dylan, Jimi Hendrix, and Kansas CD's."

11 a.m. - A vehicle went off Henry Street through several cement posts and down a 10-foot embankment, where it flipped over and ended up close to the railroad tracks, police said. The driver was not injured but the vehicle was towed. "In fact, many stuntmen call Western Massachusetts home."

12:16 p.m. - A Wells, Maine resident told police he is concerned that his former wife, who has custody of their two children, plans to enroll the girls in Amherst schools. "Over my dead body will my daughters be exposed to The Vagina Monologues or be called freshpersons!"

12:57 a.m. - Police stopped a vehicle with a license-plate light out on College Street and issued the driver a warning for the offense. The same vehicle was stopped again at 10:53 p.m. on South Pleasant Street, and another verbal warning was issued. "The police followed him and sure enough, he was still in violation a mile later and they pulled him over and issued him another warning."

5:09 a.m. - An Aspen Chase Apartments woman reported three male intruders in her home. It was unclear if anyone had entered, as the apartment was empty when police got there. At 6:13 a.m., the woman called back to say people were banging on windows, but there no evidence of anyone in the area or footprints left in the snow. "Finally she admitted that she was lonely and asked the officers to join her for tea and crumpets, which they did."
7:15 p.m. - A woman who locked herself inside a bathroom at a downtown restaurant was gone when police got there. "There were. however. two tiny shoes floating in the toilet and a bottle with a DRINK ME label on it."

10:20 p.m. - Police spoke to North Amherst parents of a teenage girl who refuses to come home and comply with the rules of the house. The mother told police she may file assault charges against her daughter to get her to follow the rules. "The police looked at each other and then at the woman. They stood quietly staring at her with their mouths slightly open for some time. They looked at each other again. Then back at her. They shook their heads and left without a word."

11:08 a.m. - A Mill Hollow Apartments woman complained her neighbors were repeatedly opening and closing the closet doors and making excessive noise. Police said there was no evidence of any unusual activity. At 8:44 p.m., the woman called back asking police to check on her neighbors, but police advised her they wouldn't respond if there was no noise. Police did go back to the location again at 11:11 p.m. and found residents watching a television and making sandwiches. The noise was not considered excessive. "It's that chunky peanut butter. It makes so much more noise than the smooth stuff when you spread it."
4:52 p.m. - Police were unable to locate a pickup truck operating at a slow rate of speed on West Street. "So they spun the arrow on the board and went off looking for a cowboy in drag on a moped operating at the speed limit."

4:51 p.m. - A man running in the parking lot of the Center of Extended Care on University Drive who has an active trespass to stay off the property was not located. He had previously gone into the building without permission and began to shave himself. "From head to toe?"

10:42 p.m. - Seven people talking loudly, smoking cigarettes and drinking alcohol outside Southpoint Apartments were not located by police. "So they spun the arrow on the board and went off looking for three meter maids playing hackey-sack in an empty swimming pool at Rolling Green."

11:51 a.m. - A minor two-car accident with no personal injuries occurred in the Survival Center parking lot, police said. "Thank goodness it wasn't at the Perish Center."

4:35 p.m. - Police issued a verbal warning to the driver of a vehicle that failed to stop for a pedestrian in a crosswalk on Triangle Street near Kellogg Avenue. The pedestrian was also advised to use more common sense when crossing the street. "Both the pedestrian and driver were back on their cell-phones by this time and did not hear the police advice."

4:39 p.m. - A driver placed an inspection sticker on a vehicle after it was stopped on Triangle Street for being operated with an expired inspection sticker. "Procrastination is a disease."

2:10 p.m. - A North Amherst resident reported receiving an insulting phone call from someone related to the ongoing conflict between Israel and Gaza. "Police suggested that in the spirit of the confict, the resident call the person back 100 times."

* 9:21 a.m. - A North Amherst woman reported getting a letter from a former tenant who wrote that karma would pay her back for what she had done to him. She refused to obtain a restraining order and told police she would be leaving the country for about two months. "Can you flee karma?"

* 10:49 p.m. - Police determined a woman screaming at Aspen Chase Apartments was just having difficulties with the holidays. "We all know the feeling."

* 2:23 a.m. - A person who jiggled the knob to a Kellogg Avenue home but didn't gain entry was not located by police. "The dread Amherst Knob Jiggler strikes again!"

* 1 p.m. - More than $3,000 worth of lottery tickets were reported missing from a North Amherst convenience store. Police said there is no evidence the tickets were stolen. "Given that the floor behind the register was covered with a layer of ticket scratch dust."

* 3:25 a.m. - A motion light came on at Cherry Hill Golf Course. Everything appeared to be secure at the location. "Gophers!"

* 12:26 a.m. - Police spoke to a North Amherst resident who was upset about noise her neighbors were making and told police she would take care of the problem in a violent way. The woman was calmed down and told police she was just joking. "She said she probably wouldn't know how to use a flame-thrower if she had one anyway."
* 8:47 p.m. - A man hanging out outside the Cushman Market and Cafe was determined to be enjoying a walk and talking on his cell phone. "This sort of enjoyment of life always looks vaguely criminal."

* 12:50 p.m. - A Cushman resident told police his son entered his car and stole $7 in change. The father said he would handle the matter on his own. "The kid was trying to get bus fare to escape his INSANE FATHER."

* 8:05 p.m. - People playing loud music at a birthday party on Pomeroy Lane agreed to turn it down. At 9:43 p.m., police returned to the location after bongo drums were heard playing. Police determined the noise was not excessive. "The bongo-meter doesn't lie."

* 8:08 a.m. - Police were unable to locate a man who yelled at employees at a downtown restaurant and then sat inside his truck and continued staring at the employees for several minutes. "Is that dude still out there? Should we call the cops or get the bat?"

* 10:54 p.m. - Three small bags of marijuana were confiscated from people inside a vehicle stopped on North Pleasant Street. "A peat moss sized bag in the trunk was fortunately not detected."

* 11:25 p.m. - Police determined people throwing food on cars at a College Street parking lot were members of a college lacrosse team goofing off. "So that's an alibi?"

* 2:23 p.m. - A West Street woman told police a man entered her home, took her phone and then replaced it with another phone. Police said there is no evidence such an incident occurred. "But is there any evidence that it didn't occur?"

* 8:56 a.m. - A North East Street resident reported a possum got inside the chicken coop. "Possums will be possums."

* 12:56 a.m. - A man and woman arguing outside the downtown bars told police they were having relationship issues. They were advised of their rights to obtain restraining orders and sent on their way. "Hey who needs couples therapy with nuanced advice like this from cops?"

* 1:27 a.m. - A young woman seen streaking on Rolling Green Drive was not found by police. "Despite their arrival at the scene within 30 seconds of the call."

* 2:48 a.m. - Two men running with ladders on North Pleasant Street near Phillips Street were gone when police got there. "An hour later two homes were robbed with the burglars inexplicably gaining access through second story windows."

* 9:05 p.m. - Police determined that a Taylor Street woman's complaints about neighbors snowblowing snow onto her house and windows were not legitimate. Strong gusts of wind were determined to be responsible for the snow hitting her house. "Allegations that neighbors were shining bright lights into her house were determined to be caused by the sun."

No comment necessary:

* 2:35 a.m. - Police were unable to locate people talking loudly at The Brook after a woman reported the noise. The woman filing the complaint was heard inside her apartment talking to herself, but refused to come to the door.

* 11:55 p.m. - A customer threw beer at employees at Rafter's Sports Bar & Restaurant after being confronted about refilling a beer on his own by going behind the bar. The customer calmed down and agreed to pay the bill.

* 7:52 p.m. - A Chestnut Court Apartments woman told police her house was shaking. Police officers got there and determined there was no shaking, and that the woman was likely experiencing the effects of having been inside a car most of the day.

* 4:25 p.m. - A woman called police to report she would be making a film with college friends at Puftfon Village in which a toy gun would be used. Police advised them not to do so.

* 12:35 a.m. - A teenage boy became out of control at a Southpoint Apartments home after watching a television program.

* 4:16 p.m. - Police were unable to locate a white goat wandering in the middle of South East Street near the South Amherst Town Common. Two days later at 9:47 a.m., the goat was reported wandering in the area of the South Amherst alternative high school.

* 1:02 a.m. - Police determined a man who alleged he was being assaulted at a North Pleasant Street location was actually refusing to take his prescribed medication.

* 10:51 p.m. - Police responded to a Main Street apartment for a report of non-stop laughing by the residents that was annoying neighbors. While the person reporting thought the neighbors might be using drugs, police determined that they just watching a marathon of Jim Carrey movies.

* 11:09 a.m. - A raccoon found beneath a tree on Farmington Road was not ill.

* 7:41 a.m. - Police were contacted after an intoxicated man entered an unlocked Echo Village Apartments home and passed out on the floor. Police determined the man had been a prior tenant and issued him a trespass notice after the residents asked that he not be arrested.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

New Collage

Now that I have given this to its intended recipient, I can post it for the proletariat. Click for higher resolution version.