Crime Wave! Amherst Police Blotter (with and without comment)

CITIZEN ASSISTANCE

* 6:17 p.m. - A downtown resident told police that her neighbor has been placing caution tape and stakes around her vehicle and notes on the vehicle in an effort to prevent her from parking on grass outside her home. The neighbor said he was concerned the woman's vehicle is damaging the beauty of the neighborhood. Police warned the neighbor to call parking enforcement officials if the woman is parking her vehicle illegally.

LARCENY

* 6:38 p.m. - A UMass student who stole a pregnancy test kit from the CVS Pharmacy on North Pleasant Street was issued a trespass order by store management and advised to use services available to her at the UMass Infirmary. (Her boyfriend should have stolen some condoms.)

* 6:54 p.m. - A bicyclist who may have been struck by a vehicle at the intersection of Amity Street and Sunset Avenue flipped over the handlebars and landed on the ground, police said. (May have been? Was he a mime?)

WEDNESDAY, SEPT. 16

SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITY

* 3:57 a.m. - A homeless man sleeping inside an ATM on Amity Street was sent on his way. (He has no way to be sent on. Can we just be honest and say kicked out?)

* 1:31 p.m. - A baby was reported left alone in a vehicle parked in the Amity Street parking lot. When police got there, both parents came back to car and told police they were watching the baby from the area of the Amherst Cinema. (They were taking turns running in and out of the theatre.)

ANIMAL COMPLAINTS

* 10:07 p.m. - A skunk which got its head stuck in a bottle was heard wandering around a Fearing Street yard. (Honey, does that sound like a skunk with its head stuck in a bottle to you?)

TRAFFIC

* 6:46 p.m. - A man crawling across North Pleasant Street was warned about his behavior. (But then they realized it was actually a very large escaped baby!)

THURSDAY, SEPT. 17

DISTURBANCES

* 5:02 a.m. - Police kept the peace at a South Amherst home where a man was being loud and refused to quiet down. The man was fine after his wife convinced him to resume taking his medication.

ANIMAL COMPLAINTS

* 8:16 a.m. - A squirrel was found inside a janitor's closet at the pre-school on Spring Street. The squirrel seemingly fled, but the animal got back inside the building at 11:37 a.m. (That looks like fleeing Dave, but things aren't always what they seem.)

FRIDAY, SEPT. 18

SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITY

* 9:24 a.m. - A homeless man located with his belongings in a South Prospect Street yard was sent on his way. The man told police he had slept in a box overnight. (But the box was gone when he woke up. Even the homeless are facing foreclosure on their boxes.)
DISTURBANCES

* 10:46 a.m. - A woman kicked a vehicle passing the corner of College Street and Boltwood Avenue when it didn't stop for a pedestrian. (Damn right!)


ASSAULTS

* 12:17 a.m. - A man suffered a cut to his ear, but refused treatment, after being struck with a bottle while walking on Phillips Street. (He initially agreed to treatment for the cut to his ear but, after being struck with the bottle, refused it. Mind your commas.)

NOISE COMPLAINTS

* 10:54 p.m. and 11:50 p.m. - Police cleared out a party with 75 people at a Northampton Road location and a party with 10 people at a South East Street home. (Well, now we know where the better parties are likely to be.)

SATURDAY, SEPT. 19

SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITY

* 7:23 p.m. - A man sitting in a lawn chair at the Kellogg Avenue entrance to the parking garage trying to charge people $5 to park there was warned to stop the activity. The man had not collected any money. (Freelance toll collection is frowned upon.)

ANIMAL COMPLAINTS

* 5:32 p.m. - A moose successfully crossed Route 116 near the Sunderland town line. At 6:50 a.m. the following day, a moose was seen near the Department of Public Works barn on South Pleasant Street. (Same moose? Must have taken a bus.)

SUNDAY, SEPT. 20

ASSAULTS

* 1:55 a.m. - A Sunset Avenue man told police his novelty hat was stolen during a fight in which he was assaulted.
Thanks to the Amherst Bulletin.