Friday, July 9, 2010

Crime Wave! The Amherst Police Blotter (with comment)

Police Report Compiled by SCOTT MERZBACH (Amherst Bulletin) Published on July 02, 2010

Police Report Vandalized by JIM NEILL on July 09, 2010



11:04 a.m. - Police located a tent set up at the Wildwood Cemetery that may belong to a homeless person living there. Police left a note for the person to remove the tent since it is on private property. (Dear Occupant- You must be dead to live here.)


11:22 p.m. - Police are trying to resolve differences between a father and daughter after he took her passport so she wouldn't be able to spend a semester abroad in Brazil. Police met with the family the following day at 4:11 p.m. (Meanwhile, the department of social services was called to the scene of a bank robbery.)


8:31 p.m. - A man was referred to Greenfield police following an incident in which he said a person selling a car on Craigslist led him deep into the woods of the Franklin County town where the car was allegedly being stored. The man fled from the woods as he grew nervous that the alleged seller didn't really have a car to offer and was instead leading him into the woods for some other reason. (He was advised not to answer any more car ads in the Casual Encounters section of Craigslist.)



11:11 p.m. - A woman sleeping in the lobby at Ann Whalen Apartments was sent on her way. (This is "Suspicious Activity" and the man in the woods is merely "Additional Activity?")


2:56 p.m. - A speed monitoring trailer on Old Farm Road was damaged after a rock was thrown at it. (The LED display clocked the rock at 98 MPH and police are now working with Major League Baseball to track down the culprit.)



4:46 p.m. - A resident of Sunderland Road reported that a woman came out of the woods and entered the house where he was staying and walked into the basement saying she was looking for a bracelet. He was advised to lock the doors. (While she's still in the basement.)


10:09 a.m. - Police responded to a Shays Street resident who let a homeless man stay at his house but then asked him to leave. (Dude! World Cup! Wide screen! Just one more game and I'll leave!)

12:18 p.m. - Police were asked to remove a young woman from the lawn of St. Brigids Church. (It took four officers and a flatbed to remove the white, rigid, almost stone-like female from the property.)



9:16 p.m. - A man searching for raccoons reported a man lying in the woods in front of his house. The man turned out to be drunk and had passed out. He was escorted home. (Until he gave his address as Wildwood Cemetary.)


11:01 a.m. - Five young people were reported to have jumped on a train in Brattleboro. The train was stopped at Pulpit Hill Road and found to be musicians traveling across the country. They had bicycles and were told to leave town. (Um...that's what we were trying to do.)

9:43 p.m. - Granby reported a lost hiker on the Amherst side of the Notch, but he turned out to be in South Hadley, which took over the search. (Oh hey, he's been found over here in South Hadley. We'll take over the search. Oh wait. Right. Never mind.)


8:28 p.m. - A woman said she was punched in the face outside Mill Valley Apartments. Police found it to be a family dispute over comments made on Facebook. (More like Punch-in-the-Face book)

9:31 p.m. - A man who reported shouting on Jenks Street was shouting at himself. He declined help but said he would go inside and keep his voice down. (He shouted at himself again and again to keep quiet but no matter how much he shouted he wouldn't quiet down.)

9:49 p.m. - A woman said she was in the laundry room at Rolling Green Apartments when she was confronted by a naked man who walked in. He didn't say anything and didn't touch her, but she fled to her apartment. (He was doing ALL of his laundry.)


11:58 p.m. - A resident of Phillips Street reported he heard glass breaking downstairs. Officers found a fence post had been thrown through a window. (By the Incredible Hulk?)


8:48 p.m. - A loud party was reported at Village Park and police asked residents to turn off the music and go inside. (Unless it was NUGENT!)

9:20 p.m. - A loud party was reported on Wildflower Drive. It was a wedding party, and the resident said it will be over soon. (The marriage?)

4:04 p.m. - A herd of goats was reported loose on Route 116, but police found them in a field near a farm. (They were on a field trip.)


Anonymous said...

*They had bicycles and were told to leave town.*

Wow---I though this only happened down South. "This here's the county line. Start walkin'. Or cyclin'."

Jono Tosch said...

Funny bit about the meatball subs.

Anonymous said...

this is the funniest thing I've seen in a long time. Love your comments and the picture that goes with it. makes me want to go to amherst and do something crazy just to get in the police blog and then your blog.

CrankyCats said...

I love this!